These words seem to be useless. Why take this time and put my thoughts into words, when I have so little hope that they will matter? But on I write this useless letter to no one. My faith is draining like a leaky facet. Little by little the drops of my faith slowly pour out. It is very sad, and indeed I can feel wetness in my eyes accumulating. Knowledge, I have. Wisdom, I’ve gained. Faith, I had. Shall I continue to bow my head to a God who will not show himself? Why is their a fear inside me in speaking of this? Even now, in the stillness and loneliness of my room I fear writing the silent words. Is this really real? Am I really touching the plastic on my keyboard? And why is there this longing inside of me for the God of the bible to show himself? Are we really all this empty? Is this all there is to life? Is our calling really only to have faith in an unseen God, and to promote this blindness? Shall we give out eye covers to people and say, “see this is much better.”
I didn’t even think I was going to write any questions when I started this.
And everything I write turns into a prayer. As it does now:
God, look at me right now. See my heart which desires you. How can a blind man find what needs to be seen? Or the mute what needs to be heard? Father, I am inadequately prepared for this task. I am Thomas. I am Morgan. Together let us feel your hands and side
I want to see God. I want to touch God. Refresh me. Who can make a stale bread fresh? Who can make fresh the withered fruit? This needs be done supernaturally. So again, I pray the simple words of, God show yourself.
God show yourself.
Where are you?
Once I looked under the bed.
Then I looked out by a lake.
I searched for you in the churches.
And in every corner of this dark room,
But you are nowhere to be found.
-Written in the past. My thoughts have changed since then. This was a letter I wrote a while ago intending it not to be seen by others, but I think this is good. Posting it, that is.
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4 comments:
it is good
so, what do you think now?
i meant good in a way of saying this could be beneficial to others. not in a manner of this is good writing.
i believe. the faith i have is still unseen, and in one sense i have put covers over my eyes. paul of the bible wrote, "we walk by faith, not by sight," and that verse has always been in my mind. it gets hard sometimes, giving your life to an invisible cause, but i can't imagine life any other way.
my faith is not completely blind, for i have come to its conclusion based on different evidence. i look at the world and see its beauty and can't imagine it just existing without a creator. i can't look at art and not think of the artist.
i can say all this and make myself feel a little better, but still i know having faith in God is ridiculous to many. sometimes it is ridiculous to me. but without this faith in God, i have no purpose in life. without someone being lord over my life, i would be living for myself trying to find happiness where i can. being a christian mean loving everyone. it means loving the enemy and the friend. it means loving the unseen God. its beautiful. this is what i want in life. i want to be reminded to love everyone because he loved them first.
i still am very troubled by this, and i know my struggles are far from over. i want to continue asking the questions other christians fear. even paul wrote, "question everything, hold on to the good."
thanks for asking. what are your thoughts? and also, forgive me, i don't know your name?
Hmm. Being of an undefined religion myself, I can't relate specifically, but I too have had a struggle with faith and whether or not I even believe in a God.
What sums it up best is what I wrote in one of my blogs. That being, "I once said God was another word for wonder, and I still believe that. But I also think that God is the name for those small and large forces which keep the world turning. Those small pushes and inklings one feels. God is dust motes in the morning sun, rain drenched greenery, icy snow scapes... "
those words are great. i believe the same thing as that. with this world and all its complexity and wonder, i think God has to be what holds it all together. he is what makes all things a little more special.
i hope to talk more to you about that in the future. im always happy to hear from you.
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