deer, rabbits, jesus, jesse, stars, cigarettes, and two rocking chairs.

tonight i sat on my front porch in an old rocking chair, like i do most nights (which is fine by me). This night was different though, because jesus came along. i asked him if he wanted to take a seat, and he did. I asked him if he wanted a cigeratte, and he did. i knew i had enough tobacco left for the two of us. he likes drum, as do i. we sat and reflected on my day. the gracefulness of the deer; the timidness of the rabbit. we mentioned how beautiful this is, the simple meadow with a few trees scattered amongst the high grass. the dim stars staring down at us trying to shine as bright as they could through all those damn city lights. they still managed pretty well.. we mentioned how funny jesse is. how she can make us laugh so easily. our cigarettes were finished too quickly as usual. i thought about making another one as usual, but didn't go through with it. i guess he didn't really say anything the whole time. at least not in the language i used. its straight though - no worries. as long as he was there.

he knew i would probably write about this. he also knew as did i, that not many would read it if any. and i think its better that way.

more tales..

And also today, later on, I went back out looking for more rabbits. Wanted to make it a feast, I guess. I started coming into my lower field from different angles, to approach any small creatures in secret. I saw a deer, and it was beautiful. I'm always in awe when I see a deer walking around, especially when it is not alarmed by me. I crept up slowly, while still looking for rabbits, and it continued doing two things. It would eat, and then look up at me. It did this for a good amount of time. I stopped engaging it when I was about 15 yards from it. I admired its mangled brown coat. The sun was setting just above it to the right, in a completely picture perfect way. But this photographer left his camera in the house. I got on my knees, and asked God that it would not be afraid of me. And it started walking towards me. It was really curious of me. It approached me slowly. I didn't know if I should make noises or not. I didn't want to resemble a predator in any way. I was also slightly worried that there might be a buck that would come up on me for getting close to his fawn. Didn't worry too much though, cause I had a big ass knife in my belt. It came to be about 5 yards from me, and I could barely believe it. And then it ran, and didn't stop. And that was the end of that. I experienced great joy, this day.

my daily bread

Today in my yard, I went looking for rabbits with a .22 rifle in my hands. I was determined to get myself and my dog a good meal. As I kept walking I saw a massive bird fly away from where it was landed in front of me. I didn't think much of it, and kept walking. As I came near to where it was landed, I saw a rabbit. I continued getting close to it, preparing to shoot it. And I decided it was too small. I didn't want to kill something who hadn't been on the earth a single year. So instead I just kept walking towards it to see when it would run, but it never did. And then I made the connection that the bird had attacked this rabbit. I went up to it, and it had two or three wounds. It's back legs and front left leg were completely unusable. It was definitely afraid of me as it tried to hop away, failing at every attempt. It couldn't even stand up. So I decided to pick it up and bring it back to the house. I brought it inside so the dog could smell it, but Jesse tried instantly to eat it and then repeated this effort again and again. Part of me was happy, and part of me wanted to kick her. So I brought the rabbit back outside. I was still thinking about trying to save it, but there was too much damage. So I decided to kill it. Now I was just thinking about the means of how I was going to kill it. I only have one .22 bullet, so that was out of the picture. I grabbed my knife, and was thinking about it, and then I stopped thinking. I just swung. The head came off, and the rabbit was dead. I skinned it and cut off all its feet. I took its guts out, which my dog ate in two or three bites. I read online earlier that it's really healthy for her. I cleaned the carcass, and it is in my refrigerator ready to be cooked tomorrow. the hide is being tanned. The feet are being preserved. I just got done boiling the skull to properly preserve it, which will appropriately be around my neck tomorrow in the form of a necklace. I completely honor this rabbit, and thank God for his provision. I recognize that it is the creation of God, therefore I treat it with respect.

peace, grace, love

Again, I did not ask for this life, at least to my current knowledge. I mean, I guess if I had been given a choice sometime before my human existence, I would probably accept the ignorance and challenges of life. Nevertheless, this is where I was planted. This ridiculous family, an oppressive government, a destructive culture, and a message of a perfect man from 2000 years ago.

What shall I do accept grow? I didn't choose these ears, this nose, or this skin color, and neither did the others all around me. They are trying their best to deal with what they were thrown into.

I guess it's all anyone can do.

If I am not accepted, what then will I do? What can be done other than moving on? And so I shall do. I shall grow where I'm planted. And knowing that others are simple trying to do likewise, maybe I will offer grace.